Name: The UN-Dabbler

No one knows the true identity of the Un-Dabbler. Or what the crap an Un-Dabbler is. But this guy is an explosives expert and dabbles in volatile chemicals. Oh wait! Is that where "Dabbler" comes from? But why the "Un?!" Wouldn't that mean he doesn't dabble? That he instead dives headlong into things? So let's say he's an explosives expert who dove headlong into some volatile chemicals, which probably messed up his face pretty bad, hence the mask.

Name: Sultry Buttons

Sultry Buttons is the roguish jewel thief and twin sister of Cutesy Buttons (though no one has ever seen them in the same place at the same time). She's into leather and machetes and is skilled in several martial and/or fiber arts. We started dating after Sultry stole the diamond off the forehead of one of those awesome metal band stage animatronics. Know what I'm talking about? She simultaneously wants to get back together with and kinda murder me. Which is SO HOT!

Name: Renaldo

Renaldo is a master of fiche: micro, macro, and fried. I first met him on a deep cover assignment in Parts Unknown when he somehow pickpocketed JUST the Reesy Cups out of my Reesy Cup Meltshake! I was so impressed that I hired him on the spot as my sidekick. But, sometimes Renaldo just can't help his pickpocket roots and finds himself on the wrong side of the corrupt law. Which maybe cancels things out?

Name: Perducci

Perducci's been intimadatingly sitting behind tables and desks since the 1970's. Somehow, this has made him a rich and powerful mobster. Known for pioneering the black market art of "floundering money." He runs the city's only "Organized Crime Family Buffet" and is so rich he has one of those animatronic fortune teller things in his basement. HIS BASEMENT! Once it told me I was gonna get free pizza and it came true!

Name: Pants Naysmen

Pants is a Euro-art thief and counterfeiter. He started out low and mid-level falutin in Paris but now exclusively high-falutes across the globe. Don't be fooled, those eyebrows are actually a SECOND mustache!! Also, both mustaches can be removed and used as poison darts! Claims to know the difference between apertifs and digestifs but I've seen him mix them up.

Name: Baron Diamonocle

Diamonocle is most likely the ultra-rich Baron of a cool castle lair somewhere. Or a villa? What's a chateau again? Are those cool? Anyways, he's really good at trap doors. And ejection seats. And crocodile moats. I think he has two of those at his castle chateauvilla. He's been known to deviously pet a lap animal. Oh wait, now I'm wondering if it's a chalet?

Name: Dagger Skew

A former informer, Dagger Skew is an infamous Cheatburgler and stabby specialist. His small size means he can squeeze under most of those cool laser-tech security systems. Man, those things are awesome! He "hides" steak knives in his headband so he can sneak them on city buses and clandestinely cut pieces off of other people's hoagies. He'll be stabbing you shortly.

Name: Dangeresque Too

No one knows exactly where Dangeresque Too came from. He claims to have been "on the force" in the "inner upwest southwise" precinct but no one has been able to corroborate this. He can do a mean hurricane kick and leaves a trail of first place racquetball trophies wherever he goes. Usually a good guy, his boyscout naivete can lead him to an accidental life of crime. Like, he regularly falls for that "what are you eating under there?" joke.

Name: Prof. Experimento

Experimento is a crazed inventor who works outside of both Nature's Laws and The Law's Laws. Sometimes I can get him to build me cool stuff like lasers and rocket ships, but he turns to crime when he needs to finance manufacturing Death Laser Mini (for moms!)TM or perform the unethical "Brainducken Surgery" on himself (that's an octopus brain inside a crow brain inside a chimp brain dredged in cornmeal and fried in cranial fluid!)

Name: KILLINGYOUGUY

Perducci's secret weapon and chief enforcer, Killingyouguy comes from a long line of Something-You-Folks. Prolly from the Old Country? I dunno. He began as a wee Pinchingyoulad and has slowly worked his way up through the years. I can only hope there's a Knittingyounana somewhere. He's been stabbed and shot over 100 times and currently has 3 knives still in him that he can't find!